I’ve been back and forth about whether to write about an incident that I just had last week involving a well known social app called Bumble and the company. I’m feeling feelings of anger, frustration, hurt, embarrassment, and confusion. I spoke about it with someone today who reinforced that my feelings are legitimate and I knew I needed to share this experience.
I decided to use the Bumble app to meet people and the entire ordeal threw me into a pit and took me to a dark place. I’m a stable woman who regularly sees my therapist and can work through the hard times, but this experience managed to tear me down, increase my stress and anxiety levels through the roof, and make me doubt myself in ways I couldn’t even imagine. Seeing how I feel today, several days later, all I can think about is what might have happened to someone who was less stable than me, whose anxiety puts them in even darker places, who may have been using this as the absolute last resort, and now has absolutely no other options. This could easily push someone over the edge. It can be a great tool, but beware of what Bumble promises and promotes versus how they actually treat their customers. I don’t wish these feelings on anyone.
What is Bumble?
For those of you who don’t know what Bumble is – it’s a social app with three platforms for dating, friends, and business connections. It empowers (and forces) women to make the first move by opening the conversation once a match has been made. The Company promotes “The Bumble Effect,” which means that “Bumble is a more than an app, it’s a movement. We encourage integrity, kindness, equality, confidence, and respect during all stages of any relationship — whether online or offline. Bumble is where people go to learn how to establish and maintain healthier connections.” (https://bumble.com/en-us/about) According to Bumble’s website, “We prioritize kindness and respect, providing a safe online community for users to build new relationships.” (https://bumble.com/en-us/)
What led me to Bumble?
You may or may not know that I just moved from Virginia to California in the middle of a pandemic. Even scarier is that I moved to a city with very few friends and no family, let me remind you – in the middle of a pandemic. I knew it would be tough, but that’s okay, I’m tough! After just a few weeks though, the loneliness started to kick in. Texting and face-timing are not the same as the face to face interaction that I started craving. I quickly realized that I needed some girlfriends and needed these interactions soon. I don’t like to put myself out there and have struggled with it a lot in the past. Confession – of the handful of online dates that I’ve gone on, a friend forced me to make the initial connection or even did it for me. That’s how much I loathe the awkwardness and stress of talking to someone that I don’t know on an app where they very much know that I’m desperate to meet someone. Alas, I mustered up the courage to use the Bumble BFF feature which is promoted for “Whether you’re new to a city or looking to expand your social circle, Bumble BFF is a simplified way to create meaningful friendships.” (https://bumble.com/en-us/) It’s exactly what I needed.
until it wasn’t…
After another week at my apartment, alone, I decided it was time. I opened my app to the account that I created shortly after I moved here. An account that I hadn’t even been able to force myself to open or look at in over four weeks. I started swiping and saw so many really awesome ladies. As I went through profiles, I saw lots of comments about how the app is hard to use because you only have 24 hours to connect (my thoughts exactly). I saw lots of other women who included their social media accounts as another means of communication. I liked this option but didn’t want to publicly share my social media. (I kept that in the back of my head.)
The Bumble Experience
As I was swiping, I made some matches. I was excited. This could be the beginning of some really great friendships. I matched with a woman who was going stir-crazy and looking for someone to take a day trip with (car included was a plus). I wanted that and I had a car! I matched with another woman who was using this time to really focus on her mental and physical health and prioritize herself. GIRL, me too! Love this! I matched with lots of other ladies who were new to the area, many from the East Coast as well. What a feeling! All in, I matched with 18 other women and I was really excited about the prospect of making some friends. As is true in any sort of social networking site, I had to remind myself that a very small percentage of them would respond. That was okay, though, and I was thrilled about the possibility of meeting any of them. I took the time to go through their profiles and send each woman a message. I didn’t want to send cookie cutter messages to everyone, so I picked one thing from each profile to try to use to make that genuine connection, then provided some background information about myself and asked if she’d like to meet for some socially distanced thing that she mentioned she liked on her profile. A message looked something along the lines of this:
“Hey! Your last prompt really spoke to me. I’ve been taking this time to focus of my mental and physical health too during the pandemic and think that it is so incredibly important. I just moved here and after a month alone, I have decided it’s time to meet some people! I’m horrible at checking this app (and haven’t been on for a month). Please let me know if you’d be interested in meeting up for a socially-distanced brunch. My instagram is @XXXXXX if that’s easier to talk <3”
or…
“I am so glad that we matched. I have a car and love day trips! I just moved here a month ago and am finally settled, so now it’s time to meet some people 🙂 I’m horrible at checking this app and haven’t been on for a month so bear with me if I respond slowly. Let me know if you want to take a beach day trip with me! My instagram is @XXXXXX if that’s easier to talk”
I copied some parts of my message to share information that I thought was relevant about myself, but every single message was personalized and unique. I’m trying to make real connections here! I pulled from earlier notes of ladies sharing instagram as a good option to talk as an alternative. I thought these messages were harmless.
apparently not…
I woke up the next morning and was sad to see that I didn’t have any responses. I went about my day and I got home later in the afternoon and checked again. STILL NOTHING. What a bummer. So I opened my app and realized I’d be logged out. *Sigh of relief!* I put my credentials in and this popped up:
Woah woah woahhh…what?! There had been some huge misunderstanding. I checked my emails…nothing. I went onto the website and found the contact information. I quickly found a place to submit an email inquiry and shot off a message explaining that there had been some misunderstanding and I wasn’t promoting my social media but had included as an option to connect and that I hadn’t realized it wasn’t allowed since other people included theirs in the bios on their accounts. I asked if my account could be reactivated and promised that I wouldn’t send my social media information anymore.
The Real Bumble Experience
I tossed and turned all night thinking about this. “How could I have been so stupid to not realize I shouldn’t have sent my social media information?” “Hopefully, I’ll still have my matches and can at least try to meet some of these ladies.” “I wonder if any of them even saw my message before my account was blocked.” “Did anyone respond?”
I woke up to an email response from Bumble. I opened enthusiastically and saw the following:
Now, I’m really shook. You received complaints about my profile? SEVERAL? You investigated me? I violated the guidelines?
I pored over the guidelines and the terms and conditions. I read them once, twice, three times, again and again. How did I violate these? I realized there was not even mention of promoting social media in the guidelines, so maybe it was misconstrued as solicitation? But of what? I’m not selling anything. I thought I was respectful and I wasn’t pretending to be someone that I’m not. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a “rule follower” (seriously, my family jokes about it) and I try to do the right thing all the time. Y’all, I was spiraling. I sent a follow-up email, making sure to take full accountability for my actions, but asking for clarification on how I had broken the guidelines. I spent over an hour writing this email and trying to be respectful, while providing sufficient information for someone to review.
I received an even briefer, terser response.
So at this point, I’m defeated. I let this ruin my entire day (and a few after that) and I’m not over it yet. I still have no idea what I did wrong. I understand not wanting to reinstate my account if I was found to be in violation of the guidelines, but I felt that I was owed some explanation because right now my mind is just going to the worst possible place. I sent another email asking for any information that they are able to provide and received an automated response that my query had been marked as resolved and no further messages would be received by the company.
I took to Google and found lots of similar experiences posted on message boards with no resolution or answers provided by the company. Since I was required to link my email address, cell phone number and Facebook, I don’t even have a way to create a new account, as these are all associated. I don’t think I even want to create a new account at this point, though, given how the situation was managed. I hope that this hasn’t happened to you or hope that if it has, you’ve been able to find peace with it, especially if you also don’t know what you did wrong. I know it will take me some time to get over it.
Call for Friends ♡
It’s been a tough few days and I am truly at a loss right now for how to meet people. If by chance you are a female, living in San Francisco and also looking to make new friends during this pandemic, send your girl a message. I enjoy long walks on the beach (lololol kidding). I am up for anything we are allowed to do right now – hikes, walks around the city, outdoor dining, picnics in the park, day trips to the beach – you name it and I’m in, socially-distanced, of course. I’m ready for some adventure outside the walls of my apartment and could enjoy some company!
Update – 9/2/2020
After I took to the internet and publicly called out the company for this unacceptable incident, someone from Bumble reached out and offered to personally look into my case. After ALL OF THIS STRESS, I was told that it was all a mistake. I was flagged (presumably by a bot) for sending a high number of messages at one time with similar content that also included information for an external site (my Instagram). I’ve been told at that time, the moderator should have issued a warning to me, but instead I was blocked. I gave the company two opportunities to make things right when I reached out via email. Each of the additional support team members neglected to look into my inquiry and take a closer look at the case to see that the block was unwarranted. Also – the fact that I was lied to and told that there were several complaints against my profile by one of the employees doesn’t sit well with me.
The manager that I spoke with to resolve the entire ordeal was extremely professional and apologetic for the actions of the team. She took accountability and owned up to the fact that “it’s clear our team misstepped at multiple points. This isn’t the kind of experience we seek to create in the Hive at all.” I was told that all parties involved in the mistreatment of my case will be retrained to ensure that this doesn’t happen to anyone else, so at least it sounds like some good came out of this. One of my friends joked that I will be the case study for the next all-hands meeting – maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing! My account was reinstated and I was provided some perks for the frustrations that I had to deal with. I haven’t decided yet, though, if I will return to the app. I don’t like that three separate employees were involved and couldn’t seem to be bothered to do their jobs correctly, I don’t like that I was lied to in the responses that I received, and I don’t like that it took a public posting on social media for the company to do the right thing. Whether these actions were done accidentally or on purpose (which I certainly hope is not the case), I still find it difficult to support a business that doesn’t treat their customers well (and in my very biased opinion of my case, treats them badly). So this is my warning to you – use this app at your own risk, but I guess don’t take it personally if something similar happens to you.
